I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
