Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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