you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
