I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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