My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
