I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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