I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
