took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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