Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
