I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
