the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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