I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
