guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
