I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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