I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
