I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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