According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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