i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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