When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
