Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
