he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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