Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
