im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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