ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
