did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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