why didn't you poke me back
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
