You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
