Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
