I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Randomize
