I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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