get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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