I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
