Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
