my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm at about main and main street
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
