I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
