SEEEEXXX PLEASE
never play flip cup with pint glasses
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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