Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
