nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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