I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
