I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Randomize
