Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
