yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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