Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
