i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
