K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
