Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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