There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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