Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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