guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
