No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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