and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
