my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
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Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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