im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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