You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
