Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
