omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Someone came in the potted fern
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
