my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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