So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
